Italy... is not the USA (updated)

In case you didn't know, this is in fact the situation.  I have previously been to Europe twice, in 5 other countries.  They are all different, and I make a fool of myself often while I am there.  While in Amsterdam enroute to Budapest, Hungary... the students and I thought it was most hilarious that the men there wear "capri" jeans.  I'm sorry if you're reading this with your capri's on about to hit the clubs downtown.  Go change... now. 

Here is the list that quickly comes to mind of the noticable differences between the US and Italy, some which I have used to make a common fool out of myself.  I'm sure there are more, the week has been full of them.  My internet is limited to the work day, and I am pressed for time.

1) Light switches are on the OUTSIDE of the room.  On at least 23 occasions, all which have been witnessed by others, I have walked into a room... wondered around in the dark a bit only to emerge and turn on the light, then retreat back inside like Chris Farley ("IDIOT!!... GEEZ")

2) At the Donati plant here, there is our equivalent of a lunch bell before and after lunch and at the end of the day.   HOWEVER... do not be confused, it is not actually our equivalent of a lunch bell.  It is our equivalent of a fire alarm.  You would think their excitement about eating was so severe, that they would be the fat ones... not America.  On the first two occasions I heard this, I immediately exited my seat and started  to run for the door... hoping I would not burn alive before finding my way outside.  Mario calmly said, "Matt, sit down... we do not eat until 12:30".

3) I am getting great at charades.  For example: Picture me trying to get a corkscrew from the front desk, saying over and over "co-rk...scc-reww" whilst turning one fisted hand into the other.  I think the poor woman thought I wanted to beat her up.

4) In Italy, you push a door to go into a room or building, and pull a door to go out.  Do you care to even guess how many times I've yanked on a door two or three times to get into somewhere.

5) You have three types of coffee here.  Caffe Americano, Caffe Lungo, and Espresso.  Obviously, it took me three times to finally get what I wanted.

6) Allow me to include in this blog the two reasons I would not live in Italy.  One, it's hard to hunt and own guns here... Two, the music STINKS.  Every radio station is either playing an American song (Kid Rock's "All Summer Long" song is very popular here, which makes me want to jump out of the car head first) or something else that is popular here that reminds me of something my grandmother listens to... or, listened to in the 90's at least.

7)  They have little vacuum holes in the hotel walls here.  Apparently the cleaning ladies must use them to clean during the day.  They look like outlets and are hard to get open.  Myself, being a dumb curious American, spent 10 minutes trying to open this "outlet" the first night I was here.  I thought, "I am American, surely they have an American outlet here for me to use... this must be it".  After finally getting it open, a VERY loud and continuous "WHOOOSH" happened and my tie was sucked halfway into the wall, and I believe my head made contact as well.  I freed myself, closed the black hole of death, laughed at myself, and cleaned the urine off the floor.  Welcome to Italy.

8)  Last night I visited a very authentic restaurant with very authentic Italian hardware.  I visited the restroom and opened the stall to find that the rim of the toilet was at FLOOR LEVEL.  I was very glad to be a man with a simple job to do at this point, and the whole concept of a floor potty really jogged my imagination... in a very disturbing way to say the least.  As I arrived at the sink I see a spout coming out of the sink with no knobs, turning devices, sensors, or levers.  "Hmmm... interesting, I have soap all over my hands now, and someone is in one of the stalls about to come out any minute".   I think of a solution, because seriously... I CANNOT figure this one out.  Ok, take a paper towel and just wipe the soap off my hands so I look normal.  As I'm doing this, the other dude comes out of the stall... my perfect opportunity to learn something.  He comes to the sink, simply finds the ol' gas pedal underneath and pushes it with his foot.  Wow, that would have taken me a week. 

9) Do not visit Italy and forget your deoderant, it's just not the country for this kind of mistake.  I did this, and yes... it was an emergencia.  It took me a while, but I found some on a shelf with plenty of dust on it.

10)  I didn't mention this earlier, but Italian movies aren't that great either.  It's not that I can't understand them, it's that they just kinda suck.  They play a lot of American movies here and make it seem as though Jennifer Anniston can speak Italian.  The first night I tried to watch some corny Italian movie I had nightmares about being chased by gold chains and hairy arms.