My Un-guessable Top 20

Yep, that's right... you won't know them. Well, there are a couple of exception where people have just figured it out.  I think even my wife would only guess a couple of them.  For most of you though, these are my top 20 favorite things you never knew I loved. Here goes....

Honerable Mention:  Motorcycle Sidecars.  I don't care what kind of mood I'm in, I am a huge fan of something that can make me erupt in laughter anytime I see it.  Have you ever seen an old man driving a Goldwing with his wife in a sidecar?  I automatically picture Beth and I doing this activity.  Whats worse, she would want to drive so I'd be in that little car with the turtle helmet on.  

Yes, I added this after the fact because I couldn't believe I forgot it.  It was the only thing on my written list I forgot.

#20) Board Shorts. Seriously, what were we thinking all those years with the whole "net" deal?  It had to have been an old woman that invented it and Richard Simmons who trademarked the neon colors used in those suits. 

#19) Watching a Dog Howl. Dang this is cool to watch, because there's just something funny about a dog puckering it's lips.... not to mention, it just sounds cool.

#18) Post it Notes. Short, to the point, sticks anywhere... awesome.

#17) Remote Control. What would we do without this tiny piece of technological goodness?  That's right, we would have to get up.  You know as well as I do that we wouldn't even turn on the TV. 

#16) New Socks. I know one person who sees eye to eye with me about this! Great feel, perfect fit, not all stretched out, no slack in the sock to foot area, one of the better things in life for sure.  New socks are the only ones I make absolute sure that the inside of the sock... is on the inside. 

#15) Hotdogs at a ballpark.  Man seriously, these may not be good for your heart, but they are great for your happiness. All the way please...

#14) Tasers.  Geez, how awesome are those... seriously.  I begged to get one the whole time I was at the PD.  When do they get 'em?  When I leave.  Excellent.  Do you realize how many fights I could have avoided by holding voltage in my hand? I've already told my buddies to taze me when they get the chance.  Plus, you tell me one American who doesn't like to watch somebody get tazed!

#13) Zippers.  I don't know Mr. Zipper, but he was a genius.  Have you ever accidently bought a pair of button fly jeans?  You basically have to put "go pee" in a 15 minute slot of your day planner.  Can't imagine how long it took those 1800's kid's to close their book bags....

#12) Cereal Milk.  I sometimes wonder how successful I would be with the young people if I just invented "Frosted Flakes Cereal Milk".  It seems as though I eat through the flakes to slurp up the milk goodness at the bottom.  DELECTABLE.

#11) Harp Music.  You shouldn't wonder why angels play harps.  What else would they play?  Accordions? (That'd just be hilarious by the way... I sure hope they do)  Maybe the Irish angels play bagpipes... that'd be pretty cool too.  Harp music is awesome, bottom line.  You show me a person who plays the harp, and I'll show you a friend of Matt.

#10) Cheese.  Yes, some may be laughing out there, but it's true.  It would have never been revealed if it wouldn't have been for a slip up a few years back.  I ate a bit too much cheese, and it hurt me.  I love about any kind of cheese except American.  Americans can't make cheese worth a crap.

#9) NFL Football.  This could have easily also have been included in my Halloween/Autumn listing, but it really needs one of it's own.  I love sports... college football, college basketball, baseball...you name it.  But honestly, there's just nothing like NFL football.  I can watch anybody play at anytime, and it will hold my full attention. Fantasy football is just an added bonus and a great opportunity to waste my time.

#8) Lanterns.  You know, I don't own one...only because of the coolness factor, but I sure would like to.  I just know that people would think I'm weird... out walking the dog with my lantern.   But you know what?  They wouldn't mess with me!  Who messes with a dude in dark clothing with a dog and a lantern?

#7) Smell of gasoline, fresh cut grass, and cedar.  No I do not have a problem.  The smell of gasoline, cut grass, and spanish cedar together really send me into a euphoric state, I have to slap myself.

#6) Blue Jeans.  If I could, I would wear them everyday for the rest of my life.  Unfortunately, I have to restrain myself. 

#5) Good guacamole.  I am telling you, if I had good "guac" to eat everyday I'd be the fattest friend you had.  I'll dip anything in that stuff, even my own foot. 

#4) Fighter Jets.  If you are a guy, and you don't get testosterone chill bumps when they do a fly-by at a ballgame or race... go get checked out.  You are clinically dead.

#3) Halloween and Autumn.  My very favorite holiday, my very favorite season.  They go hand in hand, and they are by far the most fun time of the year.  Comfortable cool weather, campfires, cigars, scary costumes, hay rides, scary movies, cookies, pumpkins, scaring kids, killing deer, Obama losing elections, Black Velvet, dead people, old silos.... OH... sorry... so I added some of my own weird ones.  ON to the next topic...

#2) Worn-in old ballcaps.  They are one of the few things in this world that smell horrendous, but make me smile.  (Except when one of my buddies passes gas somewhere they shouldn't... but that's a different kind of smile)

#1) A really good beverage.  What a strange #1 right?  My wife can tell you though, I get seriously excited over a good beverage.  It can either be something I've had, and already know it's great... or something I've never had, and am finding that it's great.  I can't tell you how much I over-react to a great cup of coffee, glass of port, or good espresso.... it's really ridiculous. 

WHY WHY WHY....

In this blog, I will attempt to answer some of life's very toughest questions.  I'm feeling extra smart tonight, so it shouldn't be a problem.  Please stick around and become smarter!  Those of you that know me are laughing.... and I don't appreciate it. 

#1)  Why do old folks drive so dang slow?  

Yes...it bothers me too.  I'm always in a hurry when I get behind ol' Florence.  When I'm 80, I will be FLYING.  But..... I'm a good driver.  Give me a ticket, who cares..... I'm old and poor, I won't pay it.  This driving at ridiculously slow speeds is because this elder generation is just simply unsafe behind the wheel.  They hit curbs,  run red lights, cut you off, and don't pay attention to what they are doing.  I always get behind the same old lady on the way to church.  When she pulls into her church, she hits the same curb EVERY WEEK.  Even though all the other elders in the car almost hit their head on the ceiling, it's like she doesn't even notice.  Of course, for this reason she has apparently made no wider turn from week to week to attempt to avoid this curb.... which to her, could just as well be a dead body.  Basically, old people drive slow to reduce the chance of injury or damage to whatever or whoever then end up hitting while driving like this.  See, don't you feel smarter already?

#2)  Why do things that happen in Vegas stay there?

Well, obviously this is just a marketing scheme for the Sin City.  I went to Vegas for the first time a year or two ago, and it's not really for me.  In my opinion, you shouldn't even be allowed to go there until you're 21.  The place will suck every bit of goodness out of you if you let them. Here's how things will go down, say... for an 18 year old making his first trip to Vegas.  

He will take lots of money, and lose it.... he will take his virginity, and lose it, and he will take his flawless criminal record, and of course lose it.  These things that were lost is "what happened in Vegas"  And as for the things he lost, well... you see where they'll stay. 

#3)  Why do we occasionally see a big girl on a motorcycle?

Listen, that's just mean so don't bring it up again.  Of course they take the "cool" out of motorcycles, but their gas is $4.19 too... 

#4)  Why do some grown men still cuss like they're a 17 year old gang member?

I've often wondered this myself.  I was at Natty Green's the other night with a couple friends watching the UNC game.  A completely normal looking guy probably in his mid 30's started talking.  I was ashamed that he was pulling for the same team I was.  It dawned on me as he spoke this foulness, "he is just very weak minded".  He couldn't even use the bad words correctly.  Have you ever met somebody like that?  What he said didn't even make sense.  He would use the same bad word twice, back to back; one as the adjective, and one as the noun... you get what I'm saying?  Basically, profanity is the sign of a very weak mind trying to express itself.  This man picked his favorite color and pulled very hard for that team.  He expressed himself often... probably as often as he relieved himself.  I moved far away and pretended he wasn't there... end of story. 

#5)  Why do large organizations and companies have such dumb advertising slogans? 

This just absolutely kills me.  You will notice these every now and then, and it's always a HUGE company.  There is no telling how much VISA paid their advertising team to come up for the slogan for the Olympic commercials.  GO WORLD.  What the crap... are you serious?  I can see these guys in there now, probably a team of 20 getting paid 6 figure salaries.  "How bout.... GO something...."   good idea....  "Go!...... Well, the whole world will be there... why not GO WORLD?"    Nice bro.... now let's go on break.  

There is no telling how many ignorant or drunk people were sitting at their TV when that commercial first debuted.  They saw GO WORLD and got very nervous.  "Crap... what are they talking about... when is our next game?  I knew it... there is somebody else out there.... how good are they at swimming?  I need to turn on the news...."  

My only answer for this is.... they think so hard they figure that nobody will question it if they just say something very short that makes no sense.  Yes... a very tough question indeed. 

PO-PO

I got the idea to write this post after talking to my old beat partner tonight.  She was my beat partner when I left the police department, and she was a darn good one as most of the officers there are.  I only spent about 6 months with her, the other 3 and a half years was spent with another beat partner in a different "hood".  For those of you that don't know, I began my tenure with HPPD beginning in 2003.  I spent almost 4 years there before deciding that I had endured at least the last year disliking the work and most of what it involved.  Sure there were a couple things I enjoyed.  I enjoyed DWI enforcement.  As a matter of fact, I've been subpoenaed to appear in appeals court for a girl I convicted last year that only blew a .07 (Remember, it doesn't matter.  All you have to do is prove appreciable impairment).  I found myself wanting to initiate my own traffic stops (usually from an interdiction standpoint), but not wanting to answer my calls because I didn't want to deal with more idiots than I had to.  Dealing with the people that call the police, and the people that the police are called on... is a very very difficult task.  I challenge you, next time you're in contact with a police officer (though I hope you're not) to remember a couple things:

1)  That he/she deals with citizens that don't respect the law, a badge, the constitution, or innocent people around them ALL DAY LONG.  

2) That at least half the people they deal with are drunk, high, half out of their mind, or all 3.  

3) That the normal people they deal with are either   a) Mad that an officer caught them doing something they shouldn't...  or b) Mad that they've had to call an officer out for something that shouldn't have happened.  

4)  That most of these people they deal with are as the Bible describes the world, out for themselves and very very selfish.  

5) I had CHILDREN cuss me like I had stolen their scooter for just stopping to speak to them. Before I couldn't have imagined, even as an adult, speaking to anyone of authority this way. 

With all this being said, I will attempt to keep this shorter than my normal "novel" posts, but it probably won't happen.  I left the PD because I just wasn't happy.  This did not come without some pains though.  The friends you develop in this line of work are different than anything I've been familiar with, because I wasn't in the military.  These friends watched my back, fought beside me, and filled in when I needed them most.  I still try to keep in touch with them as much as possible, but it's still tough.  I do not regret leaving, because I know it was in the best interest for me and my family, but I truly miss the people I worked with and being there to help protect them as they protected me.

As some of you may have heard, HPPD was just involved in their second police involved shooting of the year.  Obviously, this involved a couple of my friends who are now on administrative leave (which is standard).  The first shooting was in March and involved a great officer that left for some of the same reasons I did, but came back the PD as I resigned.  He filled one of the empty slots on the same patrol team I left.  He arrived at a domestic disturbance one night and witnessed a female attacking her boyfriend with a box cutter.  After neither subject complied, he was left no choice but to protect the man who was not armed.  The shooting last night involved two officers that arrived to a home invasion in progress.  I can only disclose what the media has released, but after a subject exited armed with a gun and made threatening movements at the officers, they... again, were left with no choice.

The reason I write this is because something inside me feels guilty for not being there.  That could have been me, and I ask myself, "If it was me, would I have made the right decision?" Every part of me says that I would have, and for some reason I feel like I should still be in that role to help protect my fellow officers.  The world is getting more violent, as is this particular city.  I actually saw it with my own eyes as I left.  I am not the only one with a family and child, many of these officers have a wife and more than one child.  I fear badly that one of my friends that are an asset to society, will get injured or killed by one of these that are a menace to society.

It bothers me bad to watch the media display their unbelievable ways of making a story out of the information they have.  Let me clear something up for you all.  The ways of these uneducated criminals and the families that raised them are this:  Information from word of mouth is fact.  I can't tell you how many times I witnessed full out physical attacks occur because somebody's mother-in-law's baby sister's cousin Lori said that somebody's boyfriend was up at the show with some "tramp" or "My Aunt said my brother ate my hot dog".  What the crap?  As bad as this angered me, I had to try to explain logic to someone who wasn't capable of understanding logic.  Fox 8, my most hated news channel for reasons I'd have to tell several police stories to explain, decided to put the mother of this victim on the news.  Now keep in mind, they put her on TV for a story.  They put her on knowing that she will say something that causes tension and cause the unknowing public to believe that there is a possibility of excessive force.  She was interviewed saying that her baby was shot in the back.  When someone is shot in the back, it implies that they were running, retreating, or surrendering.  Why can't they just take the facts from the report and let the system of investigation and forensics work?  It'd be like me putting in a report, "Mrs Stevens reports that she was attacked by Mr. Stevens.  Mr. Stevens said he didn't do it, so we are continuing the investigation elsewhere.".  Since when do we believe people and what they say?

 I just ask that you put your assumptions aside when dealing with the media.  They will attempt to put the police at fault, because that's what causes people to watch.  They want citizens to watch and say, "Wow, more corrupt police... what is the world coming to."  When you see a video on the news claiming "police brutality", how do we know that this guy didn't have a knife in his right hand he refused to drop?  You never know when yours or your families' life might be in the hands of one of these officers.  You have no choice but to trust them.  Please raise your kids to understand that the police are friends, not foes.  I can't tell you how many times I got the "Be good or that officer will put you in jail" comment in a store.  That irritated me, because now this kid is scared of me when I wanted nothing more to but lean down and give him a Jr. Police Officer badge (which now is no good).  Remember, officers RARELY get a kind gesture.  I'd guess that 90% of those that come in contact with an officer is very much not pleased to see them.  

Do I miss it?  Sometimes.  I miss the excitement, the adrenaline, the stories, and the people that worked along my side.  I think God took me through that phase as an important part of my life... as medication needed to learn more about how to raise my child, protect my family, and choose my battles as they present themselves.  Next time you see an officer grabbing a quick meal, don't think the same thing that many used to say to me ("Who's protecting the city?")  How about buying their lunch for doing what they do, because it is not easy... it does not pay well...not just anyone can do it... and I promise you that they miss more lunches and take more abbreviated lunches than you'll ever know...