Crowdaphobia

Yes, another random post indeed.  I heard tonight that there is a car show scheduled for tomorrow here in downtown T-Vegas, and in two weeks, there will be a parade.  Now I sure remember being excited as a young lad when I was able to attend large-scale events, especially ones where I would get to see Santa Clause or get to eat greasy food (I was a bit chunky... quit laughing).  You better believe that if my son gets to the age where he wants to see Santa by attending one of these boring parades... or wants to see Nantucket play on stage 3 and eat cotton candy (please though Lord, I don't think I deserve it), I will be there and be as happy as I can be.

I don't plan it, it just seems to fall in my favor that I have been out of town or otherwise obligated during the Everybody's Days and BBQ festivals of the year.  I am NOT a crowd lover at all.  I like a few people, and I like to know them all.  The first year or two during Everybody's Day, I thought I had to be here to protect my property during these events.  I stayed out on the patio to run unruly kids off my lawn and parking lot, and to keep people from blocking my only exit to the street behind us.  Now, I just try to be gone and plan on cleaning up when I get back.  One of the same years where I was playing "property security guard", I walked across the street only to fight my way through impatient and disrespectful teens and thugs to get a piece of greasy $8 chicken.  I tell you the truth, I would rather work crime scene clean up with nothing but a plastic bag and a paper towel than to do that again.  Just like some people love the fair, what the crap?  I hate the fair (no worries Beth, I'll still take you).  You go spend tons of money to walk on dirt, pet a midget horse in a tent, see a no name musician, and spend 3 hours trying to fling a plastic frog into an orbiting glass bowl only to win a bobble-head monkey you sell at a yard sale 2 months later. 

          Might as well say "Fried Taters n' Meat"

We are finally getting to the phase where we are becoming more and more confident our house building phase will begin soon.  I can not wait!  A big yard to mow, no sirens or trains, no crackheads peeing in on my trash can, no drug arrests outside my door (yes, it happened), and no big events that seem to bring out every degenerate known to man.  I think if I raise my son just right... he will enjoy tractors, outside work, football games, and hunting.  All I can do is hope that he will also have crowdaphobia like his dad.  

I laugh now, because of all the redneck things my dad and I could have possibly done together, he chose the reddest one.  He used to buy tickets to every tractor pull and monster truck event in the piedmont.  I was drug to the dance recitals, but not too many kids raised in the North can say they attended monster truck rallies.  Even though it's funny now, I wouldn't trade those memories for anything in the world.  It's amazing to me, that out of everything I managed to attend in the 80's, I never remember having to wait in like 30 minutes for a candy apple or watch a beach boys cover band....  What has the world come to?  Maybe Crowdaphobia doesn't develop until adulthood when you realize one fact that can't be contested... There are many fools among us.  As for me, I'd rather stay among the few that aren't.

Halloween '08... By Popular Demand

Ok... after 34 requests, I guess I'll be posting about the First Annual Rollins' Halloween Bash while watching football tonight.  For those of you that know me well, you already know that I go overboard when it comes to Halloween.  If it wasn't for the fact that I'm an adult and can't spend but so much time and money on costumes and pumpkins, it would be ridiculously overboard!  

Like millions of others, I couldn't resist the urge this year to be the Joker from the movie "Dark Knight".  Heath Ledger was an amazing actor, and pulled this role off perfectly.  The makeup was great, so I figured here's my chance.  As I expected though, I was still looking for half my costume on halloween day, and had my wife running around looking at consignment stores for a vest to complete the attire while I set everything up at the apartment.  Well, she was unable to find my vest.  So I dressed as the vest-less Joker this year, but it was still fun... sort of.  The picture below is one of the only two I've found, I'm sure there are others floating around.  Everybody seemed to like the costume, but I'm overly picky and think it could been much much better.  If anybody has a better picture than this, please share it.  Also, if you have any pictures from Friday night you'd like me to put on this post.... this is the one to do it, so please share those as well.  

Anyhow, I forgot how busy throwing a "get together" can be.  I left work around lunch and really never completed my decorating and preparing and cleaning before people started to arrive.  As the night crawled on, I felt continuously busy... running around making sure food was where it needed to be, getting cups, spoons, and plates, plugging things in, and trying to get the stupid fog machine to work.

You heard me right, I told you I go overboard with Halloween.  I borrowed a fog machine from the church.  My thinking was exactly this, "How cool would it be to lightly fog the steps up to the patio!  That would look creepy...."   Well, here's how it really went.  The fog machine would squirt out a shot of fog that looked more like a baby poot about once an hour.  So once an hour, it basically looked like somebody had blown out a candle.  Everytime I passed this device, I kept saying to myself "What the heck is wrong with this thing!!  Chris said to push the button when the light was on... and the light's not coming on!!"  So naturally, everytime I walked by it I had to mess with it.  The last time I messed with it, I held the button contraption upright, and the fog machine went off like crazy.  I was so excited I just held the button down for like 30 seconds to make sure it got foggy.  IT DID.  The next few people leaving my apartment couldn't see a thing, I'm lucky nobody fell down my stairs.  There was nothing creepy about it, it was just basically annoying.  

Well, I went to sit down... finally.  I was thinking.... "Whew... I think this is the first time I've gotten to sit down tonight".  I was barely into the conversation when one of the girls outside with a baby monitor said, "Matt, listen to this.... is that your fire alarm?"  OH CRAP.  First of all, there are like 7 babies sleeping inside my apartment.  My first thought was that Beth was going to shoot me.  The reason the fog was making it inside was because I had left the door cracked for some drop cords.  She had already warned me telling me that she didn't want the apartment all foggy.  I went inside, and it was BAD foggy.....

My smoke alarms weren't going off, but my CPI security alarm was, probably sensing the carbon in the fog.  Well, we've had problems with our CPI this week, and a service man had just been over Thursday.  Yay for us that it didn't work on this occasion AGAIN.  No one came over the intercom to check our status.  I was running around opening windows and doors when I noticed I had missed a call on my cellphone.  I looked down to see a (704) number and realized that I had already missed a call from CPI.  I immediately called the number back, trying twice before getting through.  When I got somebody on the line I said with panic, my alarm has went off, and nobody came over the intercom, and nobody called my house phone... again.  I told her to cancel anybody she had dispatched.  Naturally, she has to put me on hold with some peaceful Mozart music to sooth my soul while she cancels every public safety figure in Thomasville. 

It was at this time I hear sirens.... everywhere.  They were coming from the left, from the right, and from behind my apartment.  You can not imagine the feeling in my stomach.  She comes back on the phone and says, "Sir, I've tried to cancel... but I keep getting a busy signal".  THANK YOU VERY MUCH MS LIPPY!!!  I'm so glad that my alarm can go off and you can have the FBI's SWAT team here in 7.3 seconds.  I keep the phone to my ear for effect (I don't really know why).  I lean out my open window and I'm now staring at two ladder trucks and many firemen in their turnout gear.  Dudes are running around the truck getting gear ready to fight a blazer.  

Take a quick glance back at my Joker get-up if you need to, because that's what everyone else was looking at.  As I quickly glance around, I notice that there are no less than 30 people on both sides of the street practically setting up beach chairs to watch the action.  What are they staring at now?  They are watching the Joker hang out of a window that is pouring "smoke", telling them it's ok.  I think my exact words were something like this: "It's cool we're good!! No fire!! .......My fog machine went crazy bro!! ....We're fine!!...... I'm really sorry!! It's CPI's fault!"  I realized I was still holding a silent phone to my ear and took advantage, pointing to it.  "They tried to cancel, but kept getting a busy signal!!!.... You guys got a phone off the hook?" 

This poor old captains face was priceless.  It was a somewhat confused look which combined feelings of "What the crap?", "Is that the Joker?", "Does anyone up there look like a hostage?", and "I can't believe I got out of bed for this".  I felt super guilty, knowing what it takes to get a truck out of the bay... much less two or three.   I think I'll ATTEND a Halloween party next year.  The First Annual Halloween bash may have been the last.  Maybe I should throw Thanksgiving bashes instead... but without fog machines.